For all my sins I am a frequent flyer, both short- and long-haul. Therefore recently I tried to write down a list of all the things that annoy me during all the time spent on a plane or at the airport. Are you ready to listen?? Here we go…
On most airlines passengers are given a hot towel, usually prior to that poisoning attempt, cunningly disguised as the in-flight meal. It’s actually a nice welcome touch (the towel, not the poisoning attempt), however why do stewards really have to collect the towels five minutes later with a pair of extra-long tongs and make me feel as if I am dying of leprosy? Just hold out the basket and I’ll chuck my towel in there, thank you very much.
And whilst I’m on the ‘meal’ subject, how many words and expressions is it possible to use to dress up a mushroom omelette? Wild baby hand-reared mushrooms... country style eggs… it’s still the same old bleedin’ omelette, no??
You can have an in-flight entertainment system with zillions of different channels, but it invariably comes down to watching an old episode of Friends or a documentary on how much money you could waste in one day in Dubai. And if you don’t want to watch TV, you can always listen to a music channel devoted to some pap that even your granny would find slightly outdated.
I am not too keen on the in-flight duty-free shopping magazines either. Does anybody sit there as the plane cruises over the Alps and think “Oh yes, I think I’ll buzz the slightly camp steward and ask him if they’ve got the Bvlgari diamond-encrusted matching watch and pendant set”??
On long-haul flights, many airlines offer kiddy packs – crayons, colouring books and comics – to younger travellers to alleviate boredom. Hang on a minute… what about us adults?? How about six back issues of FHM? Or perhaps a newspaper in a language or alphabet that we understand? In desperate times, even the poxy Herald Tribune would do.
Why does the captain have to come on the PA system and tell us how fast we’ll be travelling and how high we’ll be flying? There are no speeding cameras up there – just put your foot down I say. “After we’ve flown over Paris, we’ll be making a left and reach an altitude of about 30,000 feet with a tail wind of about 45 kilometres an hour”. Hhhmmm… I bet you that there isn’t a single person on board (with the possible exception of yourself) who frankly gives a damn. I don’t knock on the cockpit door to tell you what I’m going to do during the flight, do I?? Just get us to the place that it says on the ticket and that’ll do for me.
For me the ultimate in luxury and good fortune – if you’re travelling in economy – is to have the seat next to you free. And so you go through that ordeal of wondering if the person walking towards you is the one. But no! He’s walked right past. He’s got a seat at the back of the plane and not next to me. Snigger. What’s more, I can hear them closing the aircraft door. I’ve done it! I’m home and dry. And then the captain comes on the system to ruin your whole day in seconds. “Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologise for this delay. We’re just waiting for one or two late arrivals” And then you catch sight of him – wobbling down the aisle with a 42-inch waist. Ladies and gentlemen, here comes Blubberman. This professional pie eater pauses momentarily to check the seat numbers. “Yep, this is the one” he says, using his fat finger to point at the unoccupied seat next to you, before wiping away the copious amount of sweat trickling down his forehead. Is there a worse feeling in the world?
All considered, Ol' Blue Eyes didn't have a bleedin' clue when he used to sing "Come Fly With Me", did he really....
On most airlines passengers are given a hot towel, usually prior to that poisoning attempt, cunningly disguised as the in-flight meal. It’s actually a nice welcome touch (the towel, not the poisoning attempt), however why do stewards really have to collect the towels five minutes later with a pair of extra-long tongs and make me feel as if I am dying of leprosy? Just hold out the basket and I’ll chuck my towel in there, thank you very much.
And whilst I’m on the ‘meal’ subject, how many words and expressions is it possible to use to dress up a mushroom omelette? Wild baby hand-reared mushrooms... country style eggs… it’s still the same old bleedin’ omelette, no??
You can have an in-flight entertainment system with zillions of different channels, but it invariably comes down to watching an old episode of Friends or a documentary on how much money you could waste in one day in Dubai. And if you don’t want to watch TV, you can always listen to a music channel devoted to some pap that even your granny would find slightly outdated.
I am not too keen on the in-flight duty-free shopping magazines either. Does anybody sit there as the plane cruises over the Alps and think “Oh yes, I think I’ll buzz the slightly camp steward and ask him if they’ve got the Bvlgari diamond-encrusted matching watch and pendant set”??
On long-haul flights, many airlines offer kiddy packs – crayons, colouring books and comics – to younger travellers to alleviate boredom. Hang on a minute… what about us adults?? How about six back issues of FHM? Or perhaps a newspaper in a language or alphabet that we understand? In desperate times, even the poxy Herald Tribune would do.
Why does the captain have to come on the PA system and tell us how fast we’ll be travelling and how high we’ll be flying? There are no speeding cameras up there – just put your foot down I say. “After we’ve flown over Paris, we’ll be making a left and reach an altitude of about 30,000 feet with a tail wind of about 45 kilometres an hour”. Hhhmmm… I bet you that there isn’t a single person on board (with the possible exception of yourself) who frankly gives a damn. I don’t knock on the cockpit door to tell you what I’m going to do during the flight, do I?? Just get us to the place that it says on the ticket and that’ll do for me.
For me the ultimate in luxury and good fortune – if you’re travelling in economy – is to have the seat next to you free. And so you go through that ordeal of wondering if the person walking towards you is the one. But no! He’s walked right past. He’s got a seat at the back of the plane and not next to me. Snigger. What’s more, I can hear them closing the aircraft door. I’ve done it! I’m home and dry. And then the captain comes on the system to ruin your whole day in seconds. “Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologise for this delay. We’re just waiting for one or two late arrivals” And then you catch sight of him – wobbling down the aisle with a 42-inch waist. Ladies and gentlemen, here comes Blubberman. This professional pie eater pauses momentarily to check the seat numbers. “Yep, this is the one” he says, using his fat finger to point at the unoccupied seat next to you, before wiping away the copious amount of sweat trickling down his forehead. Is there a worse feeling in the world?
All considered, Ol' Blue Eyes didn't have a bleedin' clue when he used to sing "Come Fly With Me", did he really....
Posts
A most excellent rant. Right with you on the 'Yes a free seat next to me' panto - but you missed out probabaly my biggest flying bugbear - namely when some 5ft 3inch toss-face decides that actully they want an extra 2 inches of space and reclines their seat thus reducing my leg room to -2 inches. Do you recline your own seat thus making yourself as rude as the tosser in front, or do you knee them repeatedly in the back and slam the tray thing shut over and over in the hope they get the hint? I think next time Im just going to lean over and ask them politely to put the seat back upright....you never know it might work. See I'm shedding my english inhibitions already....
ReplyDelete