Having flown Easyjet to Rome last weekend, I think that it may be useful to add a paragraph or two on the 'tactics' that one may employ to have the seat next to you free when seats are not allocated.
First and foremost, make sure that you are among the first to board the flight - that really should go without saying. 'Doing a Usain Bolt' off the starting blocks as soon as boarding starts is of paramount importance. Casually strolling in aboard, thinking that you're cool as a cucumber, will mean only one thing, ie. that you'll be stuck in a middle seat for the next two hours. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Once you have managed to make most of your fellow passengers eat your dust and have secured the seat of your choice, your next job is to scrutinise your fellow passengers coming down the aisle and mentally draw your 'persona non grata' list. Ooohhh, that one looks like a weirdo. Hopefully he prefers a seat at the back... I believe that weirdos are ranked in 3 categories: 1) Little Bit Weird: if I really have to, I will sit next to one for two hours (after all I am not that normal myself); 2) Quite Weird: use all your peaceful means of dissuasion to avoid sitting next to one of them; 3) Russians: no comment is necessary.
Never mind weirdos, I certainly don't want to rub shoulders and elbows with the guy coming down right now, he looks like a scruffy dosser to me. Why do I want to avoid scruffy dossers (aka hippies, the great unwashed etc... you know what I mean)?? First of all, because any piercings on one's face (other than on the earlobe or the nose) simply gets on my wick. Dunno why, it's just stronger than me. Secondly because scruffies tend to have all the hygiene of a Bulgarian goat; probably the last time he had a shower, Newcastle were still considered a great team (and this is by their own fans). Thirdly because if - for some bizarre reason - I liked dreadlocks (and I don't), I'd live in Kingston, Jamaica, not Kingston-Upon-Thames.
Following the scruffy dosser, who has wisely decided to bring his body stench somewhere else on the plane, there is a rather normal looking bloke, although - as makes his way down the aisle - I get mixed signals. The good news is... he looks nice and clean. The bad news is... he wears a pastel-coloured jumper, wrapped around his shoulders (hhhmmmm). More good news as he smells nice and certainly had a shower today. More bad news (very bad in fact) as I realise that he probably sang "It's raining Men" or "I Will Survive" at the top of his (squeaky) voice whilst taking said shower... and rehearsed a few choreographed steps as well.
With all these despicable characters to avoid, the key question is: what can you do to make sure that they won't seat next to you??
Option no.1: you can pretend to have the equivalent of Siberia's gas reserves trapped inside you. Very good in theory. How do you do that though?? Do you gurn frantically like you're about to explode?? You never know, it might work.... Option no.2: you can try and look meaner than the meanest football yob. Again... very good in theory, lots of grimacing and teeth grinding involved. However if I practised that, passengers looking at me would simply think that I was in the middle of a gigantic Number 2, yes, right there, by the emergency exit on the wing, after all if you have to go, you have to go.
Having managed to avoid any of the above characters (obviously by sheer luck and no thanks to any of the suggested options), in the end, a couple (husband and wife) in their mid-fifties chose to take the plunge and sit next to me. What I know is that I was happy because in my mind my plan had worked perfectly. What I don't know is that the husband - approaching my seat row - probably said to his wife "Let's sit next to that old codger. He's a bit weird but looks harmless"...
First and foremost, make sure that you are among the first to board the flight - that really should go without saying. 'Doing a Usain Bolt' off the starting blocks as soon as boarding starts is of paramount importance. Casually strolling in aboard, thinking that you're cool as a cucumber, will mean only one thing, ie. that you'll be stuck in a middle seat for the next two hours. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Once you have managed to make most of your fellow passengers eat your dust and have secured the seat of your choice, your next job is to scrutinise your fellow passengers coming down the aisle and mentally draw your 'persona non grata' list. Ooohhh, that one looks like a weirdo. Hopefully he prefers a seat at the back... I believe that weirdos are ranked in 3 categories: 1) Little Bit Weird: if I really have to, I will sit next to one for two hours (after all I am not that normal myself); 2) Quite Weird: use all your peaceful means of dissuasion to avoid sitting next to one of them; 3) Russians: no comment is necessary.
Never mind weirdos, I certainly don't want to rub shoulders and elbows with the guy coming down right now, he looks like a scruffy dosser to me. Why do I want to avoid scruffy dossers (aka hippies, the great unwashed etc... you know what I mean)?? First of all, because any piercings on one's face (other than on the earlobe or the nose) simply gets on my wick. Dunno why, it's just stronger than me. Secondly because scruffies tend to have all the hygiene of a Bulgarian goat; probably the last time he had a shower, Newcastle were still considered a great team (and this is by their own fans). Thirdly because if - for some bizarre reason - I liked dreadlocks (and I don't), I'd live in Kingston, Jamaica, not Kingston-Upon-Thames.
Following the scruffy dosser, who has wisely decided to bring his body stench somewhere else on the plane, there is a rather normal looking bloke, although - as makes his way down the aisle - I get mixed signals. The good news is... he looks nice and clean. The bad news is... he wears a pastel-coloured jumper, wrapped around his shoulders (hhhmmmm). More good news as he smells nice and certainly had a shower today. More bad news (very bad in fact) as I realise that he probably sang "It's raining Men" or "I Will Survive" at the top of his (squeaky) voice whilst taking said shower... and rehearsed a few choreographed steps as well.
With all these despicable characters to avoid, the key question is: what can you do to make sure that they won't seat next to you??
Option no.1: you can pretend to have the equivalent of Siberia's gas reserves trapped inside you. Very good in theory. How do you do that though?? Do you gurn frantically like you're about to explode?? You never know, it might work.... Option no.2: you can try and look meaner than the meanest football yob. Again... very good in theory, lots of grimacing and teeth grinding involved. However if I practised that, passengers looking at me would simply think that I was in the middle of a gigantic Number 2, yes, right there, by the emergency exit on the wing, after all if you have to go, you have to go.
Having managed to avoid any of the above characters (obviously by sheer luck and no thanks to any of the suggested options), in the end, a couple (husband and wife) in their mid-fifties chose to take the plunge and sit next to me. What I know is that I was happy because in my mind my plan had worked perfectly. What I don't know is that the husband - approaching my seat row - probably said to his wife "Let's sit next to that old codger. He's a bit weird but looks harmless"...
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