Another one bites the dust

I read in the papers yesterday that a 15 year old boy was stabbed to death in South London on Monday night. He is the 7th teenager to die violently in London this year. Surprisingly enough (NOT), he died whilst being involved in a running battle between two rival gangs of hooded youths, respectively called O31 and ABM (All 'Bout Money). You must be kidding me!! And there was me thinking that these gangs tend to fight over which Shakespeare play they liked best!!
"Take that, you mug (stab stab stab).... and this is for Desdemona as well!!"
"Watch your mouth you p**fter (stab stab stab).... you know what you can do with your Midsummer Night's Dream, dontcha?!?"
"Fark off, you're all a bunch of Merchant (bankers) of Venice".... and so on. But I digress.

Predictably enough last night on TV, the TV crews interviewed a couple of people (neighbours... relatives.... friends.... it doesn't matter) and all you could hear was the usual litany spouted on these occasions - "He was such a good boy".... "he was very polite".... "he had a brilliant career in front of him". Sorry but that's all bollocks. If he was such a great teenager, he wouldn't have been roaming the streets of Lambeth at 8.30pm with a gang of knife-wielding, hooded scumbags, full stop.

I also hear that the police arrested 4 people, allegedly involved in the battle. ("Allegedly".... I sound like a bloody journalist now. These 4 scumbags are guilty as sin as far as I'm concerned).
Anyway these 4 people now risk being put behind bars for a considerable length of time, which I think is rather unfair. Unfair on the taxpayer I mean. Putting this pondlife behind bars won't do anyone any good because they certainly won't come out of it as better citizens. The only 'benefit' that they will get from a stint at Her Majesty's pleasure is a massively improved street cred. It's no secret that in their deranged world, an ASBO or a prison sentence is seen as a badge of honour.
So what shall we do with them then? What punishment should we impose on these people? Here are some humble suggestions:

1) A lifelong ban from TK-Maxx and Primark. They will be forced to buy decent clothes in decent shops.
2) Their MP3 players / iPods / 3G phones will have earplugs superglued to them. Therefore if they want to listen to their sublime music of choice, they will have exclusive access to it and everyone else (particularly fellow commuters) will be green with envy as they can't hear it. I haven't finished with their MP3 players / iPods / 3G phones - more about them later.
3) A limit on the size of their baseball cap visor. Some visors I have seen in the streets are as big as Wimbledon's Centre Court, including the flipping Royal Box, so a limit is absolutely necessary. No more than 15 square inches per visor I say.
4) They won't be allowed to wear their trousers any lower than the middle point of their thighs. This is quite harsh and will require a radical change in their dressing habits but as they say 'no pain, no gain'.
5) Repeat the following 100 times a day "I am.... you are....he/she/it is" - none of this "Is it because I is black / white / pink with green dots (delete where applicable)" nonsense. Ali G overdid it, it's not funny anymore.

Should these scumbags breach any of the covenants above, their MP3 players / iPods / 3G phones will be temporarily confiscated and their music of choice will be replaced by a special compilation, including among others Rhydian, Ray Quinn and Lionel Ritchie.
Should they persist in breaching said covenants, they will be forced to follow any of these crooners on their world tour, attending every single concert. Now that is bad enough to make you stab yourself, isn't it?