The Apprentice - Week 10

Having 'The Apprentice' on at the same time as the Champions League final was not a good idea (for the BBC) as there was only going to be one winner as far as I'm concerned. Therefore I only watched the last 20 mins. of Week 10, after Barcelona had made United look rather silly.
Apparently those bright sparks at the BBC have now learnt from this (schoolboy) error and the episode scheduled to be shown on 10 June has now been brought forward and will be broadcast on Sunday 7 June.

Soooo... Howard is gone. Not much of a surprise as he was up against two of the strongest candidates in my opinion, Kate and Lorraine. In fact now with only 5 candidates left I struggle to find any weak links in the penthouse.
Why did Howard go?? Well.... 'Surallan' claims that in these difficult times he needs a risk taker, as he branded Howard a 'Steady Eddie'. Certainly those eyelids permanently at half mast didn't do Howard any favours. And probably neither did the fact that he uttered more words in the studio later with Adrian Chiles than in the previous nine weeks, when Howard seemed to have less personality than a paper clip.

Howard's team (Ignite) lost this week's task despite picking one of the highest selling items, according to the teleshopping channel experts. This item consisted of a metallic leather jacket, which I wouldn't pick even if I had to go to a Liberace-themed fancy dress party. Why the hell did Ignite pick this very dodgy item?? Did they think that (whilst they were in the penthouse all these weeks) human cloning had been given the go-ahead and a multitude of little Chers is now boosting the demand for very loud jackets?? Or perhaps more simply Ignite thought that this teleshopping channel would not be watched far beyond the salubrious streets of New Cross??

Highlight of the week..... definitely Surallan commenting 'What a plonker!!' when a giggling James gets all confused and cheerfully tries to flog a product at the wrong price.
On a final note... can someone please show Lorraine how to apply lipstick properly?? Honestly, it looks like it had been applied by a rather sozzled Andrea Bocelli .

Football's glum in Rome...

Bobby Charlton, Clive Tyldesley, Alex Ferguson, Bryan Robson, Matt Busby, Mick Hucknall, Angus Deayton, Roy Keane..... your boys took one hell of a beating!!

It almost brought a tear to my eye to see the self-proclaimed 'best team in the world' lose with such grace, as three of his players got booked in the final 15 minutes for fouls varying from the petulant to the nearly horrific.
Man Utd epitomise E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G that is wrong with football these days so yesterday was a good day for the beautiful game. Up yours, Fergie.

Angels & Demons

We went to watch the much-hyped ‘Angels and Demons’ yesterday.
It goes almost without saying that all the critics panned it, which probably was in itself a good enough reason to go to the cinema and watch this movie.
As I hadn’t read the book by Dan Brown, I didn’t have any yardstick to judge this movie by and I can honestly say that I enjoyed it. There are enough twists in the plot to keep you interested for the whole 140 minutes of it.
There are some very nice shots of Rome, going beyond the predictable (that’s lots of churches for you) and some seriously fast driving (even by Roman standards) right in the middle of the city. The movie will probably bring one or two more tourists to Rome... as if there weren’t enough of the fcukers anyway.
Personally I could find only one or two unlikely moments in the movie. The first is when Ewan McGregor (impersonating a Catholic priest who was very close to the dead Pontiff) saves Vatican City and all the cardinals from destruction by grabbing the lethal device that’s going to explode in 3 minutes, taking off in a helicopter and flying it as high as possible and parachuting himself to safety onto St. Peter’s Square just before the device goes off in the empty, pilot-less helicopter hovering above Rome. Come on!! A priest piloting a chopper..?!? Even the most gullible among you will have to admit that it is incredibly unusual, virtually bordering on the impossible.
The second improbable moment is when McGregor find himself only a few steps away from being chosen as the new Pope. You don’t have to be a devout Catholic to realise that this event is certainly as far-fetched as the election of an extreme reactionary, backward, Nazi sympathiser as the new Pontiff. And we all know that this would never happen in reality of course.

Now this is what I call....

....a bloody good idea!!!

This is just so unfair.... why did I not have this idea first??!?

And I am Italian - I was virtually born with a flippin cornetto in my hand...:(

Hhhhhmmmm...... now where can I export this concept to??

Watch this space, my friends!

(Article courtesy of the Daily Telegraph)

A pair of enterprising British brothers believe they have found a niche in Dubai's burgeoning market – by importing the concept of the ice cream van to the Middle East.

Dan and Nathen Furlong launched their business venture after visiting their expatriate parents in the emirate and wondering why nobody was offering refreshments in the sweltering desert heat.
Establishing what they claim is Dubai's first ice cream van, they believed that they would be providing the 150,000-strong British community with a reminder of home.

However, their firm is now expanding rapidly from their initial single van as their cool treats seem to be going down just as well with the local population.
A cone or lolly comes as a welcome respite to local children, who play in temperatures which can often exceed 113F (45C).
The brothers, from South Woodham Ferrers, near Chelmsford, launched the Desert Chill business a few months ago and their ice creams are imported by a local supplier.
The company now has three brightly-coloured vans with its logo – a camel eating ice cream – emblazoned on the side.
Initially, the pair worked seven-day weeks, driving the vans and serving customers themselves, to get the business off the ground.
But they have now employed two drivers and have ambitious expansion plans.
They intend to launch in Abu Dhabi next month and then branch out into the rest of the Middle East.
Dan, 26, said: "The expats all say this reminds them of their childhood. You rarely see gangs of children playing in the streets in the UK any more but you do here."
He added that the van is even starting to bring together the different nationalities which make up the country, providing them with a meeting place.
Nathen, 25, said the pair were nervous about starting up a new business when the recession began because many Britons in Dubai were losing their jobs and returning home.

Tube Map

Memo to myself:
when you get a bit sozzled (like last night), remember that the Northern line has 2 branches and only one of them goes to Waterloo. So if you want to avoid wasting your time, have a look at this map before getting on any southbound train or you may end up somewhere else. You dopey git.

The Apprentice - Week 9

As Sir Alan doesn't like cocky, arrogant people (rather ironic that!! Ever heard of pots and black kettles?!?), I was surprised, almost outraged that Ben was still gracing our TV screens with his nasty presence. Thankfully that anomaly was remedied last night when Sir Alan gave Ben his marching orders. What exactly has been your contribution so far?? Ben was asked and his reply was the usual amount of waffle. However there was very little substance which meant that James and Debra went back to the house whilst our wee man from Belfast is now free to pursue to his Sandhurst career where (you heard it here first) he got a scholarship.

Mind you, Ben's bravado and cockiness made him (or his TV persona??) so odious that - if he actually goes to Sandhurst - he's going to get the mother of all bogwashes. In the studio with Adrian Chiles later, Ben cracked up a lot, which in my humble opinion means one of two things: either he can take defeat quite gracefully (hhhhmmmm.....) or he was just like the school boy that wanted to compete with adults and eventually came unstuck. It was great fun for him but... hey, he was the first one to know that he was punching well above his weight.

In this week's episode, Ben and Debra were responsible for losing their team's task. Debra was adamant that the rocking horse would win them the task. Who in their right mind would pay 17 hundred sheets for a hand-made rocking horse?? I am not saying that no-one buys them but the ideal customer that I'm thinking of usually tends to have from 4 to 7 wives, wears long, white robes and probably does his shopping in Harrods, not Earls bloody Court. Did you see any of these characters last night?? Well, neither did I.

Other highlights of the week?? Well, how about Lorraine almost succeeding in singlehandedly destroying the collapsible buggy that she's trying to sell?? Don't expect her to land a prime time slot on QVC anytime soon. James and Lorraine were picked as Team Leaders as both are parents so theoretically they were meant to know what they were doing (hhhmmmm..... ). I was almost shocked when I heard that she is the mother of two kids. Single ladies, spinsters, aspiring mums.... the subliminal message here is that there is hope for every one of you. And I mean E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E.

Desperately Seeking Publicity

OK, so Peter Andre and Katie Price (aka Jordan) are to get divorced. It goes without saying that the only people that I feel sorry for are their children. I'm sorry for them not only because they will grow up without the support of a proper family, but primarily because they have two vain numbskulls as parents.
Why do I dislike this celebrity couple?? Well, how long have you got?!?!! Because they are the worst kind of publicity seekers.... as if there was a good kind anyway. They are the King and Queen of chavs, make no mistake about it.

Since their meeting in the ITV reality show "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here" back in 2004, they have hardly been out of the limelight.
First we had the wedding in Sep. 2005, ie. roughly one year after they first got together. The only place where I have seen people getting married sooner than they did is in Eastenders, which is hardly a valid yardstick for assessing the solidity of any relationship. They may as well have had the wedding reception in the Queen Vic to be honest with you. This wedding as you may remember (unfortunately I do) was a rather understated affair as the bride wore a pink Cinderella-style wedding complete with horse drawn carriages while Girls Aloud's Sarah Harding and fellow reality TV star Kerry Katona were bridesmaids. The epitome of class, if you ask me.

Along with the wedding, comes the obligatory deal with Harper's Bazaar to sell the exclusive rights to the wedding photos. Ok, probably it wasn't Harper's Bazaar but it must have been some similar, highly reputable magazine. These days it seems that celebrity weddings and photoshoot exclusive deals go hand in hand, a bit like Laurel & Hardy, Ant & Dec, Gordon & YouTube etc....

And after the wedding, obviously we have the celebrity sprogs, two of them to be precise. And how are these joyous events to be celebrated? Wait for it..... well, with the umpteenth exclusive photo deals with the Peckham Comet (or something like that) of course. The youngest child, a girl, is called Princess Tiaamii. Now I challenge you to scour all the council estates of South London and ask all the mums what name they have given to their sprogs but I bet you £100 that you won't find anyone with a more chavvy name than Princess Tiaamii. If you think the job is too big, then you are allowed to ask this question only to all those mums who are in a stable relationship. This should considerably cut down the size of your task.

Despite all the heart-breaking statements from this couple that we have read over the last few days ("I love Pete so much" etc...; on the other hand Katie for once did not release any statements), I cannot help feeling that this is not the end of it. What are the odds on them making a Lazarus-like comeback?? "Love is blossoming again bla bla bla...", "We are now having quintuplets bla bla bla...", "I am having 3 new boobs implanted to breastfeed them all bla bla bla..." - I can already picture their stupid mugs plastered all over the front covers. It's all in such a bad taste that I'm quite surprised that Max Clifford hasn't reared his ugly head yet.

Britain's Bankers: Still Cashing In

Watched Dispatches on Channel 4 last night - this episode was called "Britain's Bankers: Still Cashing In". It was a rather interesting investigation into the financial rewards given to Britain's top bankers, particularly to those whose banks had to be bailed out by the Government (with our money). They also tried to to break down the complex pay packets of these former leading bankers.
It really made my blood boil. For a start, most of these incompetent bastards have failed to apologise for the mess that they have created; secondly their remuneration package is way out order. How can you pay a top executive hundreds of thousands of pounds and not make them accountable for their actions? However the icing on the cake was the revelation that all these greedy so-and-so's are still raking it in, thanks to over-generous pension pots.
I am incredibly annoyed by all this because our remunerations are performance-related, however these top bankers can cause all this damage but they won't be punished financially in any way.
Why can't we reclaim some of their wages back? Surely they can't have spent all this money already. Let's get some of this money back, I say - certainly it wouldn't be enough to cover the public deficit that the taxpayer is now looking at but probably it would go some way towards diminishing Joe Public's anger against the financial services sector in general.
And why can't we take away their pension packages? We can't because apparently "the Government said that it's up to these banks to withdraw these benefits". Hang on a minute!!!! And who exactly is these banks' majority shareholder??? It's the Government itself!!! So effectively the Government (as majority shareholder) could scrap these pension packages... but just won't. And why won't they? Because they're spineless? Or because traditionally there is a considerable amount of back-scratching going on between these top bankers and the Government?? Or because Scottish dog doesn't eat Scottish dog?!?!
Getting outraged like I did if you watched this programme is not a matter of being a die-hard commie, or anything as terrible as that. It's a matter of common sense and decency, something that this Government seems to have lost a long time ago.

We're going to Corporate Central, Que Sera Sera...

Courtesy of my mate Woodsy (a lifelong Cambridge Utd. supporter), I went to Wembley yesterday to watch the Blue Square Premier play-off final between Cambridge Utd. and Torquay Utd.
Originally Woodsy had got me two ordinary tickets for the Cambridge end, however when he offered me an upgrade to the corporate box, I quickly accepted it, more out of curiosity than anything else. I was curious to see the new Wembley as well as the posh bit of it, where the rich hobnob with the famous (and viceversa) whilst there is a stupid football match going on.
As a football fan, the experience was rather disappointing. And no.... that's not because my oysters were from Brittany, rather than from Ireland. I was disappointed to see how the beautiful game has sold its soul to the corporate devil. The boxes are very plush and cosy, the corridors have nice soft carpets, ushers everywhere, which is all very nice if it was an exclusive clinic or a boutique 6-star hotel..... but can someone please tell me what that has got to do with football? I was quite disappointed to find that there was no attendant to give me a lavender-scented towel to dry my hands in the toilet.
As if that wasn't bad enough, I'm sad to report that Wembley's corporate area employs a disordinate amount of jobsworths, whose only preoccupation is to spoil everyone's enjoyment. So now I know that you can't even have a cup of coffee when the match has re-started after the interval. How cheeky of my girlfriend to remonstrate that she didn't want any alcohol, just some black coffee. And don't you dare drink alcohol in your corporate box room when the teams are on the pitch. If you want to keep drinking booze, then the blinds will have to come down. No.... seriously.
The stadium in itself looks beautiful and is impressive both from the outside and the inside. However I have now learnt my lesson - I just don't belong in the corporate area.

The Apprentice - Week 8

As I still have something vaguely resembling a social life (just about), I was unable to catch the first 30 minutes of the programme on Wednesday night, so I'll just jot down what impressed me or made me laugh in the final half an hour....
First of all, the two teams had the task of rebranding Margate, once the gem of the Kent coastline, now an almost unmitigated poohole. If you had asked me, there were only two options: either a regeneration of London 2012 proportions (with a budget to match) or a simple phone call to Angela Merkel, asking her to send over the Luftwaffe, total the town Coventry-style and start all over again.
Empire, the losing team - headed by the horrible Debra - chose to target the gay community and attract the socalled pink pound. Now you didn't have to wait for the end of the programme to realise that Empire's idea was just plain bad. Well, I have no crystal ball but I certainly didn't rush to ask my broker to buy shares in Kent Pillows Ltd. anyway. I personally think that - as far as rebranding operations go - it was almost tantamount to making Paris Hilton pass for a MENSA member.
Highlight of the week must certainly be James' reaction when Sugar announced cheerily that the winning team were off off to speed around in racing cars. 'You're putting on a great Punch and Judy show here!' shouted Sir Alan, before condemning James and his Empire team to the usual finger-pointing session in the dodgy caff. Poor old James certainly couldn't disguise his disappointment - G U T T E D was painted across his face!! Almost worth leaving the pub for.... almost.
In the end how team leader Debra managed to avoid the sack is still a mystery. The fact that Mona got the chop instead is a total travesty - in terms of travesties it's up there on a par with Chelsea v Barca me thinks.
Although clearly disappointed for getting the boot, it's not all doom and gloom for former beauty queen Mona as it's rumoured that she's been offered 1 million to shed her clothes for an adult magazine. The figure has been confirmed, however the name of the magazine is still unclear, and so is the currency. However there are no doubts about a similar offer made to fellow contestant Debra and the currency in question (old Turkish Liras).

The Joys Of Commuting

Those of you who have had the misfortune of seeing me before 10am already know this so I will make this admission for the vast (and lucky) majority - I am not a morning person. I hate getting up in the morning and getting ready to go to work. Therefore I would like my commute to work to be a painless experience, so that when I step off the train at Waterloo, my mood is slightly better than Berlusconi's at a magistrates convention.
Sadly this doesn't happen very often, due to the presence of these ubiquitous, dark characters:

1) the Window Opener. You have just settled in your seat and had a first sip of hot coffee. Your hands are still frozen from the walk to the station so you are thoroughly enjoying the train's heating. What happens next? Typically the Window Opener gets on the train, chooses the seat opposite you and promptly opens a window or two, even if it's below zero outside. Hello?!?!? What happened to asking if it's ok to open a window?? Or how about taking a layer or two of clothes off?? You still have approximately ten left on - so much so that I'm sure that I have seen you sometime ago in a Michelin advertising poster - so it's not as if you're going to freeze to death, is it?? Tosser.

2) the Rambler. Ok, they are not proper ramblers in the technical meaning of the word (don't get me started on proper ramblers anyway). By Rambler, I mean those commuters who tend to carry a rucksack so big that it should require planning permission. Does the Rambler care about whose face / shoulders they're going to hit when they nonchalantly shuffle by 90 degrees along the aisle?? Do they fark. I always wondered what the Rambler sticks in the rucksack that makes it so bulky. The gym kit?? I assume that they also fit a folding treadmill, a couple of medicine balls and even the sodding fitness instructor in it, judging by the size of those rucksacks.

3) the Traveller. By this I mean those dodgy individuals without fixed abode. How do I know that they don't have a permanent place that they call home? Well, how else can you explain that they travel permanently carrying a wheeled suitcase? They have nowhere safe to leave their worldly possessions so they cram them all in the wheeled suitcase.... the number of these diabolical fcukers on South West Trains has multiplied exponentially. Are wheeled suitcases the new rabbits?? Is there a colony of wheeled suitcases hidden somewhere at Wimbledon Depot where male wheelies and female wheelies are at it all the time???

Maybe I'm being too harsh now but I hope that you see my point. All considered, I am a lucky man, much luckier than the average Rambler or Traveller. And you know why I'm lucky? Because I have the gift of sight and therefore - unlike these selfish b@stards - I can see that there are several funny pieces of metal, assembled together and fixed strategically above the windows, called 'overhead racks'. I have it on good authority, my dear Ramblers and Travellers, that these strange, vastly underused objects are not just meant for discarded copies of Metro or wet brollies.

Needless to say, whenever I see any of these utterly despicable characters next time, I will have my usual reaction, ie. I will royally bottle it and say nothing. This is what being a commuter is all about, after all. But now you know that you are in my little black book and I will curse you all the way to Waterloo under my smelly breath. And that's enough for me to feel a little bit better...

Bangkok

The first thing that you will notice as soon as you step outside Suvarnabhumi (Bangkok's main airport) is the humidity, no matter what time of the year it is, so be prepared. Then you will notice the heat, which altogether makes for a lovely concoction. If you want to save a few pennies when getting into town, come out of the terminal and walk all the way to the left - the metered taxi queue is down at the far end. Having seen some of the prices charged by the taxi sharks both inside and outside the terminal, a metered taxi is by far the most sensible option. Obviously don't forget to ask them to switch the meter on as they have a penchant for 'forgetting' the basics of their job! Bangkok is a very, very busy city so don't be surprised to be stuck in a traffic jam at 11pm. If New York is the city that never sleeps, then Bangkok only has a couple of hours' snooze.

Things to see, people to do

Grand Palace / Wat Phra Kaew
This is an absolute must for any visitor as it's the jewel in Bangkok's architectural crown. There is quite a lot to see in there so allocate at least half a day if you want to make the most of it. The complex includes several stupas and pagodas set on multi-leveled platforms with bonsai trees, Buddha statues, fountains and enormous painted dragon-like devils. Predictably enough you have to dress sensibly, which means that you may have to wear proper trousers in the searing heat, however there are numerous places where you can hide from the sun.

Wat Pho / Temple of the Reclining Buddha
Wat Pho is mainly famous for the huge Reclining Buddha statue it houses. The impressive gold plated reclining Buddha is 46 meters long and 15 meters high, and is designed to illustrate the passing of the Buddha into nirvana. It was made famous worldwide as it featured in a TV commercial here in the UK. Ok, I made this bit up - probably it was famous even before this TV appearance. Most visitors donate a nominal sum and in turn receive a bag of coins, which they then deposit one coin at a time into alm bowls placed along the perimeter around the Reclining Buddha. This is meant to bring you good luck. For your information, I am sick and tired of waiting for it and have asked for a full refund (I will keep you posted).

A boat trip on the Chao Phraya River
If you want to get some relief from the heat, you could do a lot worse than taking the boat ride/service which takes you to all the 9 piers providing access to Bangkok's most famous attractions. It is very cheap to travel on the river if you stay with the usual tourist boats which leave every 10 minutes or so. Not only do you see some amazing buildings and boats on your journey you will also see the day to day lives of Thais working and living on the river.

Visit a proper Thai spa
If you want to get properly pampered, then you're in the right city. And this is because in Bangkok you can get a 2-hour body massage in a totally relaxing environment, soothing music etc... for approx. 50 pounds. Do a Google search for one of the many spa centres in Bangkok and let your instinct guide you. Be advised that these spa centres are very reputable places and do not offer any services that you wouldn't want your mum and dad to know about. If that's what rocks your boat.... then ask Fat Dave from Dagenham, not me.

Filling your gullet:
I think that Bangkok is one of those cities where you can never go hungry. This is because (if you're not too fussy of course) you can find food stalls virtually everywhere in the city. I am not particularly fussy however I still draw the line at cockroaches (not joking, and you don't have to look too hard to find them).

Khaosan Road:
this world-famous road is Backpacker Central. At the Chakrapong Road end, there is a multitude of road stalls selling yummy food, like the ubiquitous Pad Thai (Thai noodles to you and me), many varieties of seafood, meat (mostly chicken and pork), soups, fruit etc.... everything cheap as chips of course. If you don't know what they're selling, don't bother asking the stall owner - chances are that their English is as bad as your Thai and you won't get an answer.Or if you get it, I may not be able to repeat it in a reputable blog like this. Many more stalls are to be found in the nearby Rambuttri Road.

Seafood:
If fish and seafood is your thing and you're on a budget, then head down to Sukhumvit Road Soi 7. When you take this road there is a food court about 50 yards on the right. Lots of fresh fish and seafood on display, all you have to do is materially pick whatever you want to eat, choose the sauce you want it in and wait! Your (short) wait will be much more amenable if you get a fresh coconut to sip before food arrives on your table. It's to die for, try it!

Turkish Airlines

• On a recent trip we flew Turkish Airlines to Istanbul's main airport ('Ataturk'). This airline used to have a terrible safety record in the past, however recently has come on in leaps and bounds (in some cases, quite literally). Generally I don't think that 'customer service' translates very well in Turkish so let's just say that they are not on my Christmas card list. This is also due to the fact that on the way back to London we were over one hour late and they didn't waste any of their precious time to bother with an explanation or (God forbid) an apology.
• What’s wrong with them? Well, for a start passengers can check in online, however there is hardly any point in doing that as (when we were there) you still have to queue up like everyone else to collect your boarding pass! Seats are of decent width and the legroom is pretty ok. I thought that I was going to be squashed, sitting no doubt next to a rude, sweaty moustachioed fattie but I was lucky as I was quick to grab the window seat... and my girlfriend looks nothing like that. Therefore the dubious honour of sitting next to said not-fictional-at-all character was left to her. The food served is of average quality and quantity, whilst the entertainment is quite poor. There are screens on the back of every seat but they didn’t work. If you want to watch a (Turkish) movie, you can grab a binocular and look at the few little screens placed above the seats every 5-6 rows.
• Would I fly with them again?? Hhhhmmmm.... maybe, but only if I had to go to Turkey again, which realistically isn't going to happen in the near future. For any other destination, forget it. They may have improved a lot but there was nothing that they had to offer that made me fond of them.

The Apprentice - Week 7

YES!!!! Pantsman is gone!!!!!!!!!!!
Just when I thought that PTN's blatant lies and deceitful tactics had fooled Sugar, it was our man from Durham that got into the infamous black cab at the end of last night's episode for a one-way journey back to the North (where he totally belongs).

Why did PTN get the chop? Was it because of his bravado and attitude that wouldn't fit in Sugar's organisation? Or because of his 'close friendship' with fellow contestant Kate? Or because his order book by the end of the task was as empty as an Egyptian pig farm? Or because his gob is so big (and out of control) that the Angel of the North could easily fit in there? Take your pick....

In the studio with Adrian Chiles later, PTN admitted that he got on the wrong side of fellow contestant Lorraine and that led to his departure. Well, maybe if he and Kate had taken their task more seriously, rather than behaving like two teenagers on a school trip - I'm pretty sure that I saw a few cans of cheap cider being smuggled by the lovey dovey couple on the trip to Liverpool for their task - it would have been a different story.

Maybe Lorraine (last night's Project Manager) would have got the chop instead. Now I don't have anything against her (for the time being....) but if I hear her say "I'm PM'ing" again, I reserve the right to change my mind and virtually slap her before you can say "you're fired". PM'ing?? What on earth is that?? Ok, she means "I'm Project Manager" but for some reason I can't avoid associating that phrase to the wrong time of the month and that's a thought that I'd like to distantiate from my head as far as possible, particularly if it involves the aesthetically-challenged Lorraine.

As much as I disliked PTN, I have to say that he showed a tiny modicum of grace in the studio later and thus managed to win some sympathy (partly due to his Stan Laurel-like smile) from the audience. However the final vote - with the red cards far outnumbering the green ones - showed that PTN was as popular as a sneezing pig and therefore Sugar made the right decision.

Hands up if you want one more Bank Holiday

Call me greedy if you like but you can’t have enough of a good thing!

We have just had a great Bank Holiday weekend, in fact one of the sunniest since Bank Holidays were invented. However we just don’t have enough Bank Holidays. It is a fact that we in the UK work the longest hours in Europe so perhaps one more day to be spent at home with our families would not be out of order. Would you rather spend that hypothetical Monday trying to salvage whatever you can of your rain-soaked, half-burnt burgers or join the smelly herd on a wheeled tin of sardines, badly masqueraded as a commuters’ train? You get my point.

A good date for this additional Bank Holiday in my opinion could be the 23rd of April, ie. St. George’s Day. After all even the population of Micronesia get to celebrate their patron saint’s day on these shores. Probably Ken Livingstone even gave them a million quid to throw a massive party in Trafalgar Square (it wouldn’t be the first time, mind you). So it’s time to reclaim St. George’s Day back from the clutches of the extreme right and celebrate it properly.

However we already have two Bank Holidays in May – do we really want one more just one week before the start of May? Do we really want Bank Holiday’ed out by the end of May and then go without one from late August until Christmas? How about Remembrance Day then? The 11th of November may be rather fitting in terms of historical importance and would be a welcome break at a time of the year when the days are getting shorter and colder.

All we need now is for this Government to re-establish contact with Planet Earth and listen to what the people living in the UK want. After all, it’s pretty obvious to me that Labour are going to lose the General Elections next year so they may as well go out in style and be remembered for something good, rather than for the current shambles that they are now. And Gordon can even YouTube it if he really likes it.

Better late than never, Mrs Berlusconi

I never had too much time for Veronica Lario, better known as the long suffering wife of Italy’s current PM, Silvio Berluscummy. VL was an actress in low budget movies in her young age, however she retired from acting after meeting Mr Berluscummy. This is if you can call taking your clothes off in front of a camera ‘acting’. Anyway even if she had carried on in her distinguished acting career I think it’s pretty safe to assume that her hands & footprints would never have graced the Grauman’s Chinese Theatre’s famous forecourt.

Therefore I was quite surprised when last week she announced that she had had enough of Mr Berluscummy’s antics (join the club, love) and finally decided to file for divorce. Still one has to wonder what attracted a beautiful, relatively-unknown two-bob actress to a philandering, corrupt, irritating, balding, short, lying, thieving billionaire like Mr Berluscummy in the first place.