The Apprentice - Week 8

As I still have something vaguely resembling a social life (just about), I was unable to catch the first 30 minutes of the programme on Wednesday night, so I'll just jot down what impressed me or made me laugh in the final half an hour....
First of all, the two teams had the task of rebranding Margate, once the gem of the Kent coastline, now an almost unmitigated poohole. If you had asked me, there were only two options: either a regeneration of London 2012 proportions (with a budget to match) or a simple phone call to Angela Merkel, asking her to send over the Luftwaffe, total the town Coventry-style and start all over again.
Empire, the losing team - headed by the horrible Debra - chose to target the gay community and attract the socalled pink pound. Now you didn't have to wait for the end of the programme to realise that Empire's idea was just plain bad. Well, I have no crystal ball but I certainly didn't rush to ask my broker to buy shares in Kent Pillows Ltd. anyway. I personally think that - as far as rebranding operations go - it was almost tantamount to making Paris Hilton pass for a MENSA member.
Highlight of the week must certainly be James' reaction when Sugar announced cheerily that the winning team were off off to speed around in racing cars. 'You're putting on a great Punch and Judy show here!' shouted Sir Alan, before condemning James and his Empire team to the usual finger-pointing session in the dodgy caff. Poor old James certainly couldn't disguise his disappointment - G U T T E D was painted across his face!! Almost worth leaving the pub for.... almost.
In the end how team leader Debra managed to avoid the sack is still a mystery. The fact that Mona got the chop instead is a total travesty - in terms of travesties it's up there on a par with Chelsea v Barca me thinks.
Although clearly disappointed for getting the boot, it's not all doom and gloom for former beauty queen Mona as it's rumoured that she's been offered 1 million to shed her clothes for an adult magazine. The figure has been confirmed, however the name of the magazine is still unclear, and so is the currency. However there are no doubts about a similar offer made to fellow contestant Debra and the currency in question (old Turkish Liras).

The Joys Of Commuting

Those of you who have had the misfortune of seeing me before 10am already know this so I will make this admission for the vast (and lucky) majority - I am not a morning person. I hate getting up in the morning and getting ready to go to work. Therefore I would like my commute to work to be a painless experience, so that when I step off the train at Waterloo, my mood is slightly better than Berlusconi's at a magistrates convention.
Sadly this doesn't happen very often, due to the presence of these ubiquitous, dark characters:

1) the Window Opener. You have just settled in your seat and had a first sip of hot coffee. Your hands are still frozen from the walk to the station so you are thoroughly enjoying the train's heating. What happens next? Typically the Window Opener gets on the train, chooses the seat opposite you and promptly opens a window or two, even if it's below zero outside. Hello?!?!? What happened to asking if it's ok to open a window?? Or how about taking a layer or two of clothes off?? You still have approximately ten left on - so much so that I'm sure that I have seen you sometime ago in a Michelin advertising poster - so it's not as if you're going to freeze to death, is it?? Tosser.

2) the Rambler. Ok, they are not proper ramblers in the technical meaning of the word (don't get me started on proper ramblers anyway). By Rambler, I mean those commuters who tend to carry a rucksack so big that it should require planning permission. Does the Rambler care about whose face / shoulders they're going to hit when they nonchalantly shuffle by 90 degrees along the aisle?? Do they fark. I always wondered what the Rambler sticks in the rucksack that makes it so bulky. The gym kit?? I assume that they also fit a folding treadmill, a couple of medicine balls and even the sodding fitness instructor in it, judging by the size of those rucksacks.

3) the Traveller. By this I mean those dodgy individuals without fixed abode. How do I know that they don't have a permanent place that they call home? Well, how else can you explain that they travel permanently carrying a wheeled suitcase? They have nowhere safe to leave their worldly possessions so they cram them all in the wheeled suitcase.... the number of these diabolical fcukers on South West Trains has multiplied exponentially. Are wheeled suitcases the new rabbits?? Is there a colony of wheeled suitcases hidden somewhere at Wimbledon Depot where male wheelies and female wheelies are at it all the time???

Maybe I'm being too harsh now but I hope that you see my point. All considered, I am a lucky man, much luckier than the average Rambler or Traveller. And you know why I'm lucky? Because I have the gift of sight and therefore - unlike these selfish b@stards - I can see that there are several funny pieces of metal, assembled together and fixed strategically above the windows, called 'overhead racks'. I have it on good authority, my dear Ramblers and Travellers, that these strange, vastly underused objects are not just meant for discarded copies of Metro or wet brollies.

Needless to say, whenever I see any of these utterly despicable characters next time, I will have my usual reaction, ie. I will royally bottle it and say nothing. This is what being a commuter is all about, after all. But now you know that you are in my little black book and I will curse you all the way to Waterloo under my smelly breath. And that's enough for me to feel a little bit better...

Bangkok

The first thing that you will notice as soon as you step outside Suvarnabhumi (Bangkok's main airport) is the humidity, no matter what time of the year it is, so be prepared. Then you will notice the heat, which altogether makes for a lovely concoction. If you want to save a few pennies when getting into town, come out of the terminal and walk all the way to the left - the metered taxi queue is down at the far end. Having seen some of the prices charged by the taxi sharks both inside and outside the terminal, a metered taxi is by far the most sensible option. Obviously don't forget to ask them to switch the meter on as they have a penchant for 'forgetting' the basics of their job! Bangkok is a very, very busy city so don't be surprised to be stuck in a traffic jam at 11pm. If New York is the city that never sleeps, then Bangkok only has a couple of hours' snooze.

Things to see, people to do

Grand Palace / Wat Phra Kaew
This is an absolute must for any visitor as it's the jewel in Bangkok's architectural crown. There is quite a lot to see in there so allocate at least half a day if you want to make the most of it. The complex includes several stupas and pagodas set on multi-leveled platforms with bonsai trees, Buddha statues, fountains and enormous painted dragon-like devils. Predictably enough you have to dress sensibly, which means that you may have to wear proper trousers in the searing heat, however there are numerous places where you can hide from the sun.

Wat Pho / Temple of the Reclining Buddha
Wat Pho is mainly famous for the huge Reclining Buddha statue it houses. The impressive gold plated reclining Buddha is 46 meters long and 15 meters high, and is designed to illustrate the passing of the Buddha into nirvana. It was made famous worldwide as it featured in a TV commercial here in the UK. Ok, I made this bit up - probably it was famous even before this TV appearance. Most visitors donate a nominal sum and in turn receive a bag of coins, which they then deposit one coin at a time into alm bowls placed along the perimeter around the Reclining Buddha. This is meant to bring you good luck. For your information, I am sick and tired of waiting for it and have asked for a full refund (I will keep you posted).

A boat trip on the Chao Phraya River
If you want to get some relief from the heat, you could do a lot worse than taking the boat ride/service which takes you to all the 9 piers providing access to Bangkok's most famous attractions. It is very cheap to travel on the river if you stay with the usual tourist boats which leave every 10 minutes or so. Not only do you see some amazing buildings and boats on your journey you will also see the day to day lives of Thais working and living on the river.

Visit a proper Thai spa
If you want to get properly pampered, then you're in the right city. And this is because in Bangkok you can get a 2-hour body massage in a totally relaxing environment, soothing music etc... for approx. 50 pounds. Do a Google search for one of the many spa centres in Bangkok and let your instinct guide you. Be advised that these spa centres are very reputable places and do not offer any services that you wouldn't want your mum and dad to know about. If that's what rocks your boat.... then ask Fat Dave from Dagenham, not me.

Filling your gullet:
I think that Bangkok is one of those cities where you can never go hungry. This is because (if you're not too fussy of course) you can find food stalls virtually everywhere in the city. I am not particularly fussy however I still draw the line at cockroaches (not joking, and you don't have to look too hard to find them).

Khaosan Road:
this world-famous road is Backpacker Central. At the Chakrapong Road end, there is a multitude of road stalls selling yummy food, like the ubiquitous Pad Thai (Thai noodles to you and me), many varieties of seafood, meat (mostly chicken and pork), soups, fruit etc.... everything cheap as chips of course. If you don't know what they're selling, don't bother asking the stall owner - chances are that their English is as bad as your Thai and you won't get an answer.Or if you get it, I may not be able to repeat it in a reputable blog like this. Many more stalls are to be found in the nearby Rambuttri Road.

Seafood:
If fish and seafood is your thing and you're on a budget, then head down to Sukhumvit Road Soi 7. When you take this road there is a food court about 50 yards on the right. Lots of fresh fish and seafood on display, all you have to do is materially pick whatever you want to eat, choose the sauce you want it in and wait! Your (short) wait will be much more amenable if you get a fresh coconut to sip before food arrives on your table. It's to die for, try it!

Turkish Airlines

• On a recent trip we flew Turkish Airlines to Istanbul's main airport ('Ataturk'). This airline used to have a terrible safety record in the past, however recently has come on in leaps and bounds (in some cases, quite literally). Generally I don't think that 'customer service' translates very well in Turkish so let's just say that they are not on my Christmas card list. This is also due to the fact that on the way back to London we were over one hour late and they didn't waste any of their precious time to bother with an explanation or (God forbid) an apology.
• What’s wrong with them? Well, for a start passengers can check in online, however there is hardly any point in doing that as (when we were there) you still have to queue up like everyone else to collect your boarding pass! Seats are of decent width and the legroom is pretty ok. I thought that I was going to be squashed, sitting no doubt next to a rude, sweaty moustachioed fattie but I was lucky as I was quick to grab the window seat... and my girlfriend looks nothing like that. Therefore the dubious honour of sitting next to said not-fictional-at-all character was left to her. The food served is of average quality and quantity, whilst the entertainment is quite poor. There are screens on the back of every seat but they didn’t work. If you want to watch a (Turkish) movie, you can grab a binocular and look at the few little screens placed above the seats every 5-6 rows.
• Would I fly with them again?? Hhhhmmmm.... maybe, but only if I had to go to Turkey again, which realistically isn't going to happen in the near future. For any other destination, forget it. They may have improved a lot but there was nothing that they had to offer that made me fond of them.

The Apprentice - Week 7

YES!!!! Pantsman is gone!!!!!!!!!!!
Just when I thought that PTN's blatant lies and deceitful tactics had fooled Sugar, it was our man from Durham that got into the infamous black cab at the end of last night's episode for a one-way journey back to the North (where he totally belongs).

Why did PTN get the chop? Was it because of his bravado and attitude that wouldn't fit in Sugar's organisation? Or because of his 'close friendship' with fellow contestant Kate? Or because his order book by the end of the task was as empty as an Egyptian pig farm? Or because his gob is so big (and out of control) that the Angel of the North could easily fit in there? Take your pick....

In the studio with Adrian Chiles later, PTN admitted that he got on the wrong side of fellow contestant Lorraine and that led to his departure. Well, maybe if he and Kate had taken their task more seriously, rather than behaving like two teenagers on a school trip - I'm pretty sure that I saw a few cans of cheap cider being smuggled by the lovey dovey couple on the trip to Liverpool for their task - it would have been a different story.

Maybe Lorraine (last night's Project Manager) would have got the chop instead. Now I don't have anything against her (for the time being....) but if I hear her say "I'm PM'ing" again, I reserve the right to change my mind and virtually slap her before you can say "you're fired". PM'ing?? What on earth is that?? Ok, she means "I'm Project Manager" but for some reason I can't avoid associating that phrase to the wrong time of the month and that's a thought that I'd like to distantiate from my head as far as possible, particularly if it involves the aesthetically-challenged Lorraine.

As much as I disliked PTN, I have to say that he showed a tiny modicum of grace in the studio later and thus managed to win some sympathy (partly due to his Stan Laurel-like smile) from the audience. However the final vote - with the red cards far outnumbering the green ones - showed that PTN was as popular as a sneezing pig and therefore Sugar made the right decision.

Hands up if you want one more Bank Holiday

Call me greedy if you like but you can’t have enough of a good thing!

We have just had a great Bank Holiday weekend, in fact one of the sunniest since Bank Holidays were invented. However we just don’t have enough Bank Holidays. It is a fact that we in the UK work the longest hours in Europe so perhaps one more day to be spent at home with our families would not be out of order. Would you rather spend that hypothetical Monday trying to salvage whatever you can of your rain-soaked, half-burnt burgers or join the smelly herd on a wheeled tin of sardines, badly masqueraded as a commuters’ train? You get my point.

A good date for this additional Bank Holiday in my opinion could be the 23rd of April, ie. St. George’s Day. After all even the population of Micronesia get to celebrate their patron saint’s day on these shores. Probably Ken Livingstone even gave them a million quid to throw a massive party in Trafalgar Square (it wouldn’t be the first time, mind you). So it’s time to reclaim St. George’s Day back from the clutches of the extreme right and celebrate it properly.

However we already have two Bank Holidays in May – do we really want one more just one week before the start of May? Do we really want Bank Holiday’ed out by the end of May and then go without one from late August until Christmas? How about Remembrance Day then? The 11th of November may be rather fitting in terms of historical importance and would be a welcome break at a time of the year when the days are getting shorter and colder.

All we need now is for this Government to re-establish contact with Planet Earth and listen to what the people living in the UK want. After all, it’s pretty obvious to me that Labour are going to lose the General Elections next year so they may as well go out in style and be remembered for something good, rather than for the current shambles that they are now. And Gordon can even YouTube it if he really likes it.

Better late than never, Mrs Berlusconi

I never had too much time for Veronica Lario, better known as the long suffering wife of Italy’s current PM, Silvio Berluscummy. VL was an actress in low budget movies in her young age, however she retired from acting after meeting Mr Berluscummy. This is if you can call taking your clothes off in front of a camera ‘acting’. Anyway even if she had carried on in her distinguished acting career I think it’s pretty safe to assume that her hands & footprints would never have graced the Grauman’s Chinese Theatre’s famous forecourt.

Therefore I was quite surprised when last week she announced that she had had enough of Mr Berluscummy’s antics (join the club, love) and finally decided to file for divorce. Still one has to wonder what attracted a beautiful, relatively-unknown two-bob actress to a philandering, corrupt, irritating, balding, short, lying, thieving billionaire like Mr Berluscummy in the first place.